Being different, being Orange

Recently, I discovered something about myself which projects a light to my past and also shed light to my every day life social struggles with a new shade. Which is not easy to say that, knowing others will hear about it, and may be judgemental, I finally can feel like many things that hurt me and I thought was my mistakes was not my "fault" but was just how I function. Also, the mystery of being smarter than others in some areas but in the same time being really dumber than others, being "naive" in some other areas seems like make sense under this new light. What made me feel different in a good way when I was 11-14 years old and made me feel different in a very bad way when I was 28-34, was the same thing.

I prefer not to use the general name for it but let's say "Orange". I think I'm orange.

Many things made me feel unfortunate in my life. Some social events happened affecting me in a really bad way and I didn't understand why people reacted in that way.. I didn't understand why I was treated in that way. It was also confusing why people tell me things about myself (about my capacity, skills, behaviours, etc) that I don't see in that way. Like they see something about me that is not visible to me.

I also suffered from manipulative and abusive people, especially in my romantic relationships. I allowed my significant others to violate my interpersonal boundaries. And all the analysis we could make (with my friends) was "toxic people finds good people like you, and you are just a good person". 

Many things I thought coming from being "introvert" but didn't know where introvertedness is coming from. Walking around with earphones all the time... My parents didn’t understand my desire to be alone a lot and tried to force me into uncomfortable social settings (this, I thought, was the destiny of all kids, btw:).

Being an alcoholic out of not knowing how to regulate emotions or using the drunkenness to manage socially difficult situations, including intimacy. and similar eating disorders.

Playing piano, wanting to play an instrument by hearing the sound of the instrument (piano, baglama, etc). and playing it by myself everyday without anyone pushing me. 

Why I am extremely slow at washing dishes, cutting vegetables, even eating in normal times.

Being Orange as a manager is also extremely difficult, due to the over thinking about the other people's thoughts about you and how your actions make other people feel. You end up constantly feeling about others stress and feeling not capable because you think you are the cause of their stress and you feel being judged by others for anything you have done, said or not done or not said..

There is also a weird confusion on how to behave to the authority figures; be it a parent, a teacher or a Director at work .. heightened awareness on how they will think about you, considering that they hold the power against you and can effect you.

People pleasing and conflict avoidance, could they be also part of it? I was thinking I was especially avoidant of conflicts due to the domestic state when I was growing up, but there could be a part of not being able to read others' feelings or may be too aware of others too..

Under extreme stress, such as moving to a new country by myself, losing some abilities like my French and English skills and hesitation on self-care..

It is still early to share the concrete examples (being isolated in high-school, getting fired at my first job, etc) but in my mind all is clear. Somehow, everything fits into it, into being Orange and I don't feel confused anymore. 

Ghost in the Shell

Recently I had a dream, where in a dark city, I was chasing the Ghost in the Shell. It is a famous animation movie from 90s, which is referring to the rise of computers, software and network. Shell (Coque) is the commander of the system in computers. Do souls even exist? What makes a human human and not only machine? Isn't the dreams, your ghost (subcontiousness) talking to you? 

There should be a reason why I had this dream. One week later, in Brussels, on my last day of Standup Comedy marathon*, it revealed to me that: It's me! I was the ghost who felt away from the shell; from my body. Like Lucas told me in Buenos Aires, I was not in my body. When I dance tango, when I embrace my partner, he couldn't feel me, because I was not there. 

I was in search of myself for the last 20 years, which was lost after the joke incident in high school, also veiled by drinking and false goals. That self had to die. 

Which, finally died when I moved away from my country. Left without a goal, suffered from depression and burn out, with alcohol and weed abuse, I had to find the real purpose in my new country.

It is strange because I always saw myself as a nomad, as a free spirit who change places, people, a decendent of "Yoruk"s. But in reality, changing homes, people and countries feels so hard, why? Maybe I have both in me, leaver and stayer.

I was at a point that, I didn't want more, it was okay, this life, all the experience and pain was enough. I didn't desire more, nor I had the will to do more. That point of selflessness, desirelessness and freed from all attachments should be the zero point. 

I wished to sleep and not wake up again. I wanted to not wake up again. It is a state that you have nothing and there is nothing to lose. Comes from giving up from things that you had, including people, several times. You learn to let go, you learn that nothing is eternal and everything may go. So did yourself. I let go of myself, and that self died. I was a shell. I didn't have dreams for a long time, because of weed. I wasn't in touch with myself; my ghost couldn't enter to the shell. I feel like it was not the first nor the last time of myself ever died or will die. 

Physically, I was weak too, the shell was not able to carry its ghost. I even passed out for the first time in my life, at the end of March. Because I was not able to sleep. Maybe from June 2022 to January 2024. The only times I remember that I slept was once in Buenos Aires and once last night in the apartment in Howald. 

Now, at the age of 35, I'm just beginning to be me! I finally speak, tell my story, I try to show my true self to people, through comedy, finally I don't fear to speak my mind, and be me!

Now, the Ghost is returned to the shell; infact, it is not a ghost of real me anymore, but it's me, my mind and body. My soul and my body is reuniting. 

*22 May Storytelling

23 May Updown 

24 May Fake Freuds

27 May Florence

28 May Palestine

29 May Rainbow + Carlitos

30 May Saarbrucken

2 June Hecklemania

3 June Side Splitters

4 June Raiders

5 June Social Club

6 June Countdown

7 June Funny Woman Brussels 

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2maSvREZvMSrD_Lc8CXm6hkBpvN5oeqM&si=MFWrCaS_B_gSlXNM

Note from October 2024: I soon found out what was really inside me in June 2024 and why I felt like there was a ghost in my shell..