Recently I had a dream, where in a dark city, I was chasing the Ghost in the Shell. It is a famous animation movie from 90s, which is referring to the rise of computers, software and network. Shell (Coque) is the commander of the system in computers. Do souls even exist? What makes a human human and not only machine? Isn't the dreams, your ghost (subcontiousness) talking to you?
There should be a reason why I had this dream. One week later, in Brussels, on my last day of Standup Comedy marathon*, it revealed to me that: It's me! I was the ghost who felt away from the shell; from my body. Like Lucas told me in Buenos Aires, I was not in my body. When I dance tango, when I embrace my partner, he couldn't feel me, because I was not there.
I was in search of myself for the last 20 years, which was lost after the joke incident in high school, also veiled by drinking and false goals. That self had to die.
Which, finally died when I moved away from my country. Left without a goal, suffered from depression and burn out, with alcohol and weed abuse, I had to find the real purpose in my new country.
It is strange because I always saw myself as a nomad, as a free spirit who change places, people, a decendent of "Yoruk"s. But in reality, changing homes, people and countries feels so hard, why? Maybe I have both in me, leaver and stayer.
I was at a point that, I didn't want more, it was okay, this life, all the experience and pain was enough. I didn't desire more, nor I had the will to do more. That point of selflessness, desirelessness and freed from all attachments should be the zero point.
I wished to sleep and not wake up again. I wanted to not wake up again. It is a state that you have nothing and there is nothing to lose. Comes from giving up from things that you had, including people, several times. You learn to let go, you learn that nothing is eternal and everything may go. So did yourself. I let go of myself, and that self died. I was a shell. I didn't have dreams for a long time, because of weed. I wasn't in touch with myself; my ghost couldn't enter to the shell. I feel like it was not the first nor the last time of myself ever died or will die.
Physically, I was weak too, the shell was not able to carry its ghost. I even passed out for the first time in my life, at the end of March. Because I was not able to sleep. Maybe from June 2022 to January 2024. The only times I remember that I slept was once in Buenos Aires and once last night in the apartment in Howald.
Now, at the age of 35, I'm just beginning to be me! I finally speak, tell my story, I try to show my true self to people, through comedy, finally I don't fear to speak my mind, and be me!
Now, the Ghost is returned to the shell; infact, it is not a ghost of real me anymore, but it's me, my mind and body. My soul and my body is reuniting.
*22 May Storytelling
23 May Updown
24 May Fake Freuds
27 May Florence
28 May Palestine
29 May Rainbow + Carlitos
30 May Saarbrucken
2 June Hecklemania
3 June Side Splitters
4 June Raiders
5 June Social Club
6 June Countdown
7 June Funny Woman Brussels
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2maSvREZvMSrD_Lc8CXm6hkBpvN5oeqM&si=MFWrCaS_B_gSlXNM
Note from October 2024: I soon found out what was really inside me in June 2024 and why I felt like there was a ghost in my shell..
