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| Streets of the New York City, 2021 |
Recently, I discovered something about myself that sheds light on my past and also illuminates my everyday social struggles in a new way. It is not easy to share this, knowing others may hear about it and be judgmental. However, I finally feel that many things that hurt me and that I thought were my mistakes were not my "fault" but were just how I function. The mystery of being smarter than others in some areas while being really naive in others now makes sense under this new light. What made me feel different in a good way when I was 11-14 years old and in a very bad way when I was 28-34 was the same thing.
I prefer not to use the general name for it, but let's say "Orange." I think I'm Orange.
Many things have made me feel unfortunate in my life. Some social events affected me in a really bad way, and I didn't understand why people reacted the way they did. I didn't understand why I was treated that way. It was also confusing when people told me things about myself (about my capacity, skills, behaviors, etc.) that I didn't see in the same way. It was as if they saw something about me that was not visible to me.
I also suffered from manipulative and abusive people, especially in my romantic relationships. I allowed my significant others to violate my interpersonal boundaries. The analysis we could make (with my friends) was that "toxic people find good people like you, and you are just a good person."
Many things I thought stemmed from being "introverted," but I didn't know where my introversion came from. Walking around with earphones all the time... My parents didn’t understand my desire to be alone a lot and tried to force me into uncomfortable social settings (this, I thought, was the destiny of all kids, by the way).
Being an alcoholic out of not knowing how to regulate emotions or using drunkenness to manage socially difficult situations, including intimacy, and similar eating disorders.
Playing piano, wanting to play an instrument by hearing the sound of the instrument (piano, baglama, etc.), and playing it by myself every day without anyone pushing me.
Why I am extremely slow at washing dishes, cutting vegetables, even eating at normal times.
Being Orange as a manager is also extremely difficult due to overthinking about other people's thoughts about you and how your actions make other people feel. You end up constantly feeling others' stress and feeling incapable because you think you are the cause of their stress and feel judged by others for anything you have done, said, or not done or not said.
There is also a weird confusion about how to behave towards authority figures, be it a parent, a teacher, or a Director at work. There is heightened awareness of how they will think about you, considering that they hold power over you and can affect you.
People-pleasing and conflict avoidance—could they also be part of it? I thought I was especially avoidant of conflicts due to the domestic state when I was growing up, but there could be a part of not being able to read others' feelings or maybe being too aware of others too.
Under extreme stress, such as moving to a new country by myself, I lost some abilities like my French and English skills and hesitated in self-care.
It is still early to share concrete examples (being isolated in high school, getting fired from my first job, etc.), but in my mind, everything is clear. Somehow, everything fits into being Orange, and I don't feel confused anymore.
