Recently, I discovered something about myself which projects a light to my past and also shed light to my every day life social struggles with a new shade. Which is not easy to say that, knowing others will hear about it, and may be judgemental, I finally can feel like many things that hurt me and I thought was my mistakes was not my "fault" but was just how I function. Also, the mystery of being smarter than others in some areas but in the same time being really dumber than others, being "naive" in some other areas seems like make sense under this new light. What made me feel different in a good way when I was 11-14 years old and made me feel different in a very bad way when I was 28-34, was the same thing.
I prefer not to use the general name for it but let's say "Orange". I think I'm orange.
Many things made me feel unfortunate in my life. Some social events happened affecting me in a really bad way and I didn't understand why people reacted in that way.. I didn't understand why I was treated in that way. It was also confusing why people tell me things about myself (about my capacity, skills, behaviours, etc) that I don't see in that way. Like they see something about me that is not visible to me.
I also suffered from manipulative and abusive people, especially in my romantic relationships. I allowed my significant others to violate my interpersonal boundaries. And all the analysis we could make (with my friends) was "toxic people finds good people like you, and you are just a good person".
Many things I thought coming from being "introvert" but didn't know where introvertedness is coming from. Walking around with earphones all the time... My parents didn’t understand my desire to be alone a lot and tried to force me into uncomfortable social settings (this, I thought, was the destiny of all kids, btw:).
Being an alcoholic out of not knowing how to regulate emotions or using the drunkenness to manage socially difficult situations, including intimacy. and similar eating disorders.
Playing piano, wanting to play an instrument by hearing the sound of the instrument (piano, baglama, etc). and playing it by myself everyday without anyone pushing me.
Why I am extremely slow at washing dishes, cutting vegetables, even eating in normal times.
Being Orange as a manager is also extremely difficult, due to the over thinking about the other people's thoughts about you and how your actions make other people feel. You end up constantly feeling about others stress and feeling not capable because you think you are the cause of their stress and you feel being judged by others for anything you have done, said or not done or not said..
There is also a weird confusion on how to behave to the authority figures; be it a parent, a teacher or a Director at work .. heightened awareness on how they will think about you, considering that they hold the power against you and can effect you.
People pleasing and conflict avoidance, could they be also part of it? I was thinking I was especially avoidant of conflicts due to the domestic state when I was growing up, but there could be a part of not being able to read others' feelings or may be too aware of others too..
Under extreme stress, such as moving to a new country by myself, losing some abilities like my French and English skills and hesitation on self-care..
It is still early to share the concrete examples (being isolated in high-school, getting fired at my first job, etc) but in my mind all is clear. Somehow, everything fits into it, into being Orange and I don't feel confused anymore.
