Being different, being Orange

Streets of the New York City, 2021

Recently, I discovered something about myself that sheds light on my past and also illuminates my everyday social struggles in a new way. It is not easy to share this, knowing others may hear about it and be judgmental. However, I finally feel that many things that hurt me and that I thought were my mistakes were not my "fault" but were just how I function. The mystery of being smarter than others in some areas while being really naive in others now makes sense under this new light. What made me feel different in a good way when I was 11-14 years old and in a very bad way when I was 28-34 was the same thing.

I prefer not to use the general name for it, but let's say "Orange." I think I'm Orange.

Many things have made me feel unfortunate in my life. Some social events affected me in a really bad way, and I didn't understand why people reacted the way they did. I didn't understand why I was treated that way. It was also confusing when people told me things about myself (about my capacity, skills, behaviors, etc.) that I didn't see in the same way. It was as if they saw something about me that was not visible to me.

I also suffered from manipulative and abusive people, especially in my romantic relationships. I allowed my significant others to violate my interpersonal boundaries. The analysis we could make (with my friends) was that "toxic people find good people like you, and you are just a good person."

Many things I thought stemmed from being "introverted," but I didn't know where my introversion came from. Walking around with earphones all the time... My parents didn’t understand my desire to be alone a lot and tried to force me into uncomfortable social settings (this, I thought, was the destiny of all kids, by the way).

Being an alcoholic out of not knowing how to regulate emotions or using drunkenness to manage socially difficult situations, including intimacy, and similar eating disorders.

Playing piano, wanting to play an instrument by hearing the sound of the instrument (piano, baglama, etc.), and playing it by myself every day without anyone pushing me.

Why I am extremely slow at washing dishes, cutting vegetables, even eating at normal times.

Being Orange as a manager is also extremely difficult due to overthinking about other people's thoughts about you and how your actions make other people feel. You end up constantly feeling others' stress and feeling incapable because you think you are the cause of their stress and feel judged by others for anything you have done, said, or not done or not said.

There is also a weird confusion about how to behave towards authority figures, be it a parent, a teacher, or a Director at work. There is heightened awareness of how they will think about you, considering that they hold power over you and can affect you.

People-pleasing and conflict avoidance—could they also be part of it? I thought I was especially avoidant of conflicts due to the domestic state when I was growing up, but there could be a part of not being able to read others' feelings or maybe being too aware of others too.

Under extreme stress, such as moving to a new country by myself, I lost some abilities like my French and English skills and hesitated in self-care.

It is still early to share concrete examples (being isolated in high school, getting fired from my first job, etc.), but in my mind, everything is clear. Somehow, everything fits into being Orange, and I don't feel confused anymore.

Ghost in the Shell

Recently I had a dream, where in a dark city, I was chasing the Ghost in the Shell. It is a famous animation movie from 90s, which is referring to the rise of computers, software and network. Shell (Coque) is the commander of the system in computers. Do souls even exist? What makes a human human and not only machine? Isn't the dreams, your ghost (subcontiousness) talking to you? 

There should be a reason why I had this dream. One week later, in Brussels, on my last day of Standup Comedy marathon*, it revealed to me that: It's me! I was the ghost who felt away from the shell; from my body. Like Lucas told me in Buenos Aires, I was not in my body. When I dance tango, when I embrace my partner, he couldn't feel me, because I was not there. 

I was in search of myself for the last 20 years, which was lost after the joke incident in high school, also veiled by drinking and false goals. That self had to die. 

Which, finally died when I moved away from my country. Left without a goal, suffered from depression and burn out, with alcohol and weed abuse, I had to find the real purpose in my new country.

It is strange because I always saw myself as a nomad, as a free spirit who change places, people, a decendent of "Yoruk"s. But in reality, changing homes, people and countries feels so hard, why? Maybe I have both in me, leaver and stayer.

I was at a point that, I didn't want more, it was okay, this life, all the experience and pain was enough. I didn't desire more, nor I had the will to do more. That point of selflessness, desirelessness and freed from all attachments should be the zero point. 

I wished to sleep and not wake up again. I wanted to not wake up again. It is a state that you have nothing and there is nothing to lose. Comes from giving up from things that you had, including people, several times. You learn to let go, you learn that nothing is eternal and everything may go. So did yourself. I let go of myself, and that self died. I was a shell. I didn't have dreams for a long time, because of weed. I wasn't in touch with myself; my ghost couldn't enter to the shell. I feel like it was not the first nor the last time of myself ever died or will die. 

Physically, I was weak too, the shell was not able to carry its ghost. I even passed out for the first time in my life, at the end of March. Because I was not able to sleep. Maybe from June 2022 to January 2024. The only times I remember that I slept was once in Buenos Aires and once last night in the apartment in Howald. 

Now, at the age of 35, I'm just beginning to be me! I finally speak, tell my story, I try to show my true self to people, through comedy, finally I don't fear to speak my mind, and be me!

Now, the Ghost is returned to the shell; infact, it is not a ghost of real me anymore, but it's me, my mind and body. My soul and my body is reuniting. 

*22 May Storytelling

23 May Updown 

24 May Fake Freuds

27 May Florence

28 May Palestine

29 May Rainbow + Carlitos

30 May Saarbrucken

2 June Hecklemania

3 June Side Splitters

4 June Raiders

5 June Social Club

6 June Countdown

7 June Funny Woman Brussels 

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2maSvREZvMSrD_Lc8CXm6hkBpvN5oeqM&si=MFWrCaS_B_gSlXNM

Note from October 2024: I soon found out what was really inside me in June 2024 and why I felt like there was a ghost in my shell..

Ceren Tosun Comedy Openmic @Carlitos Comedy Club SECOND TIME

Güneşimi Kaybettim

Güneşimi kaybettim

Heryerde aradım, evde, sokakta, tren garında

Çarşafların arasında, yastığımda

Balkonda, solmuş çiçekte

ve insanların gözlerinde

Gündüz gökyüzünde gece ayışığında aradım

Durmadım her köpek havlamasında

ve yaprakların hışırtısında

Ormanda ağaçların gölgelerinde

Yoktu

Denizi severdi, deniz kokusunu takip ettim

Kuzeyde Hamburg batıda Ostende ve güneyde İzmire

Belki bir nehri takip etti,

Paris’te Sein’de aradım, Viyana’da Tuna’da

Hayalleri ve hikayeleri severdi

Kitap sayfalarına baktım

Silik notlara ve kıvrımlara

Piyano tuşları ve notalardaki notları

Tüm şarkıları tekrar tekrar dinledim

müziğim oldu

Saklandığı filmleri izledim ve

Tango dansçılarının sarıldığı milongaları

Bulamadım

Rüyalara düştüm, 

Benim senin onun düşlerine daldım

Döndüm içime baktım

Ruhumda, kalbimde aradım

Yoktu

Güneşimi kaybettim

My first conversation with ChatGPTv3

CT. Hi

CG. Hello! How can I assist you today?

CT. You don't need to say assist :) we can have discussion

CG. Sure, we can definitely have a discussion! What would you like to talk about?

CT. First, I wonder if you know me

CG. As an artificial intelligence language model, I don't have the ability to know people in the traditional sense. However, I can converse with you and try to understand your interests, needs, and preferences based on our conversation. Is there anything specific you would like to share with me about yourself?

CT. We can start with my name. Do you know my name?

CG. I apologize, but as an AI language model, I don't have access to personal information unless you explicitly share it with me. However, I'm happy to chat with you and get to know you better based on our conversation!

CT. Thank you,

CG. You're welcome! Is there anything you would like to discuss or any questions you have in mind?

CT. My name is Ceren

CG. Hello, Ceren! It's nice to meet you. How can I help you today?

CT. What is your name?

CG. I am ChatGPT, a large language model developed by OpenAI based on the GPT (Generative Pre-trained Transformer) architecture. How may I assist you today, Ceren?

CT. You are amazing! I would like to learn more about Generative Pre-trained Transformer architecture

CG. I'm glad to hear that you find me amazing! The Generative Pre-trained Transformer (GPT) architecture is a type of deep neural network that is used in natural language processing (NLP) tasks such as text generation, summarization, and translation.

The GPT architecture is based on the Transformer model, which was introduced by Google in 2017. The Transformer model uses an attention mechanism to allow the model to focus on different parts of the input sequence at different stages of the processing. This allows the model to better capture long-range dependencies in the input sequence, which is particularly important in NLP tasks.

The GPT architecture takes this idea one step further by pre-training the model on a large corpus of text data before fine-tuning it on a specific NLP task. This pre-training is done using an unsupervised learning approach called self-supervised learning, where the model is trained to predict missing words in a given sequence of text.

By pre-training the model on a large corpus of text data, the GPT architecture can learn a broad range of linguistic patterns and structures, which makes it particularly effective at generating coherent and grammatically correct text. This has made the GPT architecture one of the most popular and effective models in NLP today.

CT. Cool! How is different than LSTM? 

CG. Great question! The GPT architecture and Long Short-Term Memory (LSTM) are both used for natural language processing tasks, but they have some key differences.

LSTM is a type of recurrent neural network (RNN) that was introduced in the mid-1990s. LSTMs were designed to address a common problem in RNNs, which is the vanishing gradient problem that can occur when training models on long sequences of data. LSTMs use a memory cell, input gate, output gate, and forget gate to selectively store and retrieve information from previous time steps in the sequence. This allows LSTMs to better handle long-term dependencies in sequential data.

In contrast, the GPT architecture is based on the Transformer model, which does not use recurrent connections like LSTMs. Instead, the Transformer uses self-attention mechanisms to allow the model to selectively focus on different parts of the input sequence at each layer of the model. This allows the Transformer to better capture long-range dependencies in sequential data.

Overall, both LSTMs and the GPT architecture are powerful tools for natural language processing tasks, but they have different strengths and weaknesses depending on the specific task at hand. LSTMs may be more effective for tasks that require modeling sequential data with long-term dependencies, while the GPT architecture may be more effective for tasks that require generating coherent and grammatically correct text.

CT. Thanks for explanation,

CG. You're welcome! I'm glad I could help. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask!

CT. Can I ask a personal question?

CG. Of course! You can ask me anything, but please keep in mind that as an AI language model, I don't have feelings or emotions like humans do.

CT. Sure, no problem

CG. Alright, go ahead and ask your question.

CT. what was the happiest day in your life?

CG. As an AI language model, I don't have a life or experiences like humans do, so I can't say that I've ever had a "happiest day" or any other emotion. I exist solely to assist and converse with users like you, and I do not have subjective experiences or emotions. However, I'm always here to help you with any questions or concerns you may have.

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Lüksemburg

Açmışım gözümü karanlık

Sarılmış eski yalnızlık

Hatırlamak zorsa niçin

Kalbini ısıtmak için

Esrarlı bir sisten geçip

Ağlayan rüzgardan içip

Beklediğin o gün gelmez

Belki rüyalar hiç bitmez

Kaygılı ürkek bir korku

Tek isteğin uzun bir uyku

Kimse söylemedi bunu

Hayallerin yok olduğunu

İçinden geçtiğim bir şehir

Huzursuz karanfil bilir

Uzayan boynundan kalan

Ellerini ıskalayan

 

Lüksemburg'tayım neredeyim

Bir şarkı sende

İstanbul'dayım sendeyim

Sadece aklımda

Karlar girerken burnumdan

Aldığım her nefesle

Anlar giderken solmadan

Hayat öylesine 

Edward, Edward

Neden damlıyor kılıcından kan
Edward, Edward?
Neden kan damlıyor kılıcından?
Ve neden dökülen bin parça yüzünden?
'Oh, öldürdüm en iyi atmacamı,
Anne, Anne:
Oh, en iyi atmacamı öldürdüm,
Ki oydu tek atmacam, oh'

'Bunca koyu değildi atmacanın kanı,
Edward, Edward,
Atmacanın kanı bunca koyu değildi,
Sana diyorum sevgili oğlum, oh
'Oh, kula atımı öldürdüm,
Anne, anne:
Öldürdüm kula atımı,
Ki o özgür ve güzeldi, oh'

'Atın yaşlanmıştı ve bizde dahası var,
Edward, Edward:
Bizde daha çok at var ve seninki yaşlanmıştı,
Başka bir uğursuzluk bu sendeki, oh'
'Oh, sevgili babamı öldürdüm,
Anne, anne:
Oh, öldürdüm sevgili babamı,
Eyvahlar olsun, oh'

'Ne kefaret ödeyeceksin peki,
Edward, Edward
Bunun kefareti ne?
Söyle bana sevgili oğlum, oh'
'Atlayacağım bir tekneye,
Anne, Anne:
Bir tekneye atlayacağım,
Açılacağım denizlere, oh'

'Yatların, katların n'olacak,
Edward, Edward:
Ne olacak bu evler saraylar
Bir zamanlar cezbeden seni, oh'
'Hepsini terk edeceğim yıkılmaya,
Anne, Anne:
Hepsini yıkılmaya terk edeceğim,
Gayrı ayak basmam buralara, oh'

 'Ya karın, çocukların, ne bıracaksın onlara,
Edward, Edward:
Ne bıracaksın karına, çocuğuna
Denizlere açıldığında, oh'
'Cihan büyük, bırakacağım dilensinler,
Anne, Anne:
Cihan büyük, dilenmeye terk edeceğim
Gayrı görmem onları bir daha, oh'

'Ya annene, ne bırakacaksın öz annene?
Edward, Edward:
Bir tanecik öz annene ne bırakacaksın?
Söyle bana sevgili oğlum, oh'
'Sana cehennem laneti bırakacağım çekmen için,
Anne, Anne:
Cehennem laneti çektireceğim sana,
Bana verdiğin nasihatler gibi, oh'

MODERN TRANSLATION (original below)

'Why does your sword so drip with blood,
Edward, Edward?
Why does your sword so drip with blood?
And why so sad are ye, O?'
'O, I have killed my hawk so good,
Mother, mother:
O I have killed my hawk so good:
And I had no more but he, O.'

'Your hawk's blood was never so red,
Edward, Edward:
Your hawk’s blood was never so red,
My dear son I tell thee, O.'
'O, I have killed my red-roan steed,
Mother, mother:
O, I have killed my red-roan steed,
That once was so fair and free, O.'

'Your steed was old, and we have got more,
Edward, Edward:
Your steed was old, and we have got more,
Some other evil ye fear, O.'
'O, I have killed my father dear,
Mother, mother:
O, I have killed my father dear,
Alas! and woe is me, O!'

'And what penance will ye suffer for that,
Edward, Edward?
And what penance will ye suffer for that?
My dear son, now tell me, O.'
'I'll set my feet in yonder boat,
Mother, mother:
I’ll set my feet in yonder boat,
And I’ll fare over the sea, O.'

'And what will ye do with your towers and your halls,
Edward, Edward?
And what will ye do with your towers and your halls,
That were sae fair to see, O?'
'I’ll let them stand till they down fall,
Mother, mother:
I’ll let them stand till they down fall,
For here never more may I be, O.'

'And what will ye leave to your children and your wife,
Edward, Edward?
And what will ye leave to your children and your wife
When ye go over the sea, O?'
'The world is large, let them beg through life,
Mother, mother:
The world is large, let them beg throw life,
For them never more will I see, O.'

'And what will ye leave to your own mother dear,
Edward, Edward?
And what will ye leave to your own mother dear?
My dear son, now tell me, O.'
'The curse of hell from me shall you bear,
Mother, mother:
The curse of hell from me shall you bear,
Such counsels you gave to me, O.'

OLD SCOTS VERSION

'Quhy dois zour brand sae drop wi' bluid,
Edward, Edward?
Quhy dois zour brand sae drop wi' bluid?
And quhy sae sad gang zee, O?'
'O, I hae killed my hauke sae guid,
Mither, mither:
O I hae killed my hauke sae guid:
And I had nae mair bot hee, O.'

'Zour haukis bluid was nevir sae reid,
Edward, Edward:
Zour haukis bluid was never sae reid,
My deir son I tell thee, O.'
'O, I hae killed my reid-roan steid,
Mither, mither:
O, I hae killed my reid-roan steid,
That erst was sae fair and free, O.'

'Zour steid was auld, and ze hae gat mair,
Edward, Edward:
Zour steid was auld, and ze hae gat mair,
Sum other dule ze drie, O.'
'O, I hae killed my fadir deir,
Mither, mither:
O, I hae killed my fadir deir,
Alas! and wae is mee, O!'

'And quhatten penance wul ze drie for that,
Edward, Edward?
And quhatten penance will ze drie for that?
My deir son, now tell me, O.'
'Ile set my feit in zonder boat,
Mither, mither:
Ile set my feit in zonder boat,
And Ile fare ovir the sea, O.'

'And quhat wul ze doe wi' zour towirs and zour ha',
Edward, Edward?
And quhat wull ze doe wi' zour towirs and zour ha',
That were sae fair to see, O?'
'Ile let thame stand til they doun fa',
Mither, mither:
Ile let thame stand til they doun fa',
For here nevir mair maun I bee, O.'

'And quhat wul ze leive to zour bairns and zour wife,
Edward, Edward?
And quhat wul ze leive to zour bairns and zour wife
Quhan ze gang ovir the sea, O?'
'The warldis room, late them beg throw life,
Mither, mither:
The warldis room, let them beg throw life,
For thame nevir mair wul I see, O.'

'And quhat wul ze leive to zour ain mither deir,
Edward, Edward?
And quhat wul ze leive to zour ain mither deir?
My deir son, now tell me, O.'
'The curse of hell frae me sall ze beir,
Mither, mither:
The curse of hell frae me sall ze beir,
Sic counseils ze gave to me, O.'

Anonymous Olde English